Anniversary!!

Happy anniversary! I've been blogging for over a year now and here are the stats:

-Fourteen posts, many from the same days. This means I blogged less than once per month!
-Six followers. That's an average of one follower every two months. And one of them is me.
-~10 comments total, some from myself.

As you can see, this blog has really taken off.

Sooo... I'm moving to wordpress. I'm kind of getting serious about writing, and, well, clearly I'm great at it and need to tell more people what to do with their lives. I may still double post on here, but I would REALLY, really appreciate it if you guys would sign up at wordpress (you don't have to make a blog url, just a username) and follow my blog on there.

Thanks everyone who has been reading, I know that there's people out there who read my blog without following it because they don't have an account.

Best Pick -up Lines of the Century

From me:

"Do you think it's too late for me to be a Kidz Bop kid?"

"Alright I'll dance with you, but I have to warn you, I'm so good at dancing they call me the dancing queen."

"I'm dressed like a hipster tonight. Do you like my hipster outfit?"

"You're like a better, less annoying version of my ex boyfriend."

"Oh, I didn't know people like you have jobs. That's impressive."

"Why don't you just pee your pants?"

"You'll do."

"I know a lot of people with your name. It's weird and I don't like it."

"I haven't showered in two days."

"Can I call you Steve?"
(Reply: "My name's Brian.")
"I'm going to call you Steve."

"I will never, ever sleep with you. Now, how about that drink?"

From them:

"I think we could be in a relationship, I think I'm your type, I'll drive to see you and everything."
(Reply: "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!")

"Are you this cool or just a bitch?"

"Hey shithead, want to grab dinner some time?"

"What's the score on the game?"
(Reply: "SPORTS!!!!! ...Get away from me.")

"Do you get a lot of attention from black guys?"

"I would totally screw your brains out."
(Reply: "That's physically impossible. Unless you're literally talking about taking a large screw and drilling it into my head, in which case some cerebral fluid may leak out. But judging by your general demeanor you are using a euphemism for sex, which really isn't a euphemism because it sounds about 8x worse."

I'd Promise I'm not Creepy, but I am.

So I feel like I have a lot to cover, so let's get started. Yes, sticking with the lists again. I fucking love lists.

1. Whoever says alcohol is bad is fucking retarded. Alcohol tastes good. Alcohol makes you feel good. And some of the best, most sincere, deepest, most life-altering, most fun, greatest moments of my life have been under the influence of alcohol. Yeah, there's side effects. Like drunk dialing and hangovers and fiscal irresponsibility. But, really, I think it's all worth it. No, I'm not condoning getting drunk every night. But I am saying that drinking with your friends can induce great times. I have met some of my best friends out drinking.

For example, while all of the non-drinkers are telling their grand children about the crazy time they had playing board games one night and their best friend laughed so hard about fucking shit up with Monopoly that milk shot out of her nose, I'll be telling the story about how my friend was so drunk after fucking shit up with a boy that she ended up peeing in an alley being pulled over by the cops for walking home drunk.

Alcohol is a great social lubricant. Half of the contacts in my phone are from bar nights, and I still use most of them. Yes, most of the time when you meet a guy out drinking, he's a tool. But... other times...

ANYWAY.

2. Apparently I'm really great. I go out after not having showered in a good day or two, in my work clothes, without makeup and while wearing glasses... Pick up two guys at the bar? Really? One asks my friend, "Is she really this cool or just a bitch?" Some other guy tells me I'm the "smartest girl he knows." Another guy tries to take me home. Either gross and ugly is in, I'm super great, or guys are really just that desperate. (Granted, I am probably the smartest girl you'll ever meet. That's true. And I am pretty damn cool.)

I have never met someone who is so self loving and so self loathing as myself.

3. I am fucking emotional. There, I said it and I admit it. I'd rather care too much about other people and too much about every little fucking thing than be the equivalent of emotionally dumb and blind. So I welcome it when I feel sad, because that's how I know I'm real. How else do you feel alive than by experience extreme emotion? Happiness, sadness, anger, fear? That's why thirteen year old emo kids cut themselves. That's why people eat Mexican food.

4. There ARE good people in the world. There are BAD people in the world. Realizing the difference doesn't mean a thing: Treating everyone as if they were the best person you ever met is key.

5. Give more than you'll ever take. Unless the person is a douche bag, then shove them in front of you and let the zombies take their life.

6. Something involving Taco Bell.

7. Something involving grammar.

8. My cat is the best, ever. She has the most desirable traits any female (or person, at all) could. She's beautiful. She's curvaceous. She follows me around, meaning she respects me and realizes how awesome I am. She doesn't trust men, meaning she learns easily. She has only been on this earth a little over a year and a half and through watching my experiences already realizes they're bad news! She hates all people except me, and only loves me. That means she realizes that I'm the only great person left alive.


K


PS: If you don't get that I'm writing in a satirical and humorous manner, then you, sir, are an idiot.

I'm a GOOD PERSON?! FUCK.

Just to let you know, I am so excited to write this blog! I had to take a nap before I did it to make sure I wasn't sleepy. I've been thinking about how I was going to tackle this issue via internet literature, and I think I found the answer.

I have never been the epitome of innocence, the poster child for Christianity, the authority on morals. Furthermore, I had myself convinced that based on some previous actions I was a horrible person. I had myself all figured out. Kalin: Genius, hard working, creative, hilarious, beautiful, cynical, bitter, and a complete dick. Life is good once you have yourself figured out, you go through life with your head held up high, you're not going through these awful phases with the hopes of self discovery anymore. Ah, being a self righteous, awful person really had its perks.

Then yesterday I wake up at 3 PM after staying up until 5 AM drinking alone (got home from my friends' house at 2 AM.) Fairly normal. Roll out of bed, eat a shit ton of Skyline that my dad got for me, plop myself on the couch and start watching YouTube videos. Ahhh, I love being me. Then my phone rings, and I hear the MOST AWFUL STORY EVER. Literally. I'll tell you sometime, you'll want to vomit. Upon my enragement, I hung up the phone and realized something.

I am a good person.

I should have known all along. I should have known. I feel sick to my stomach that I just couldn't see it. I mean, I have this strange desire to only sleep with guys I have feelings for? I don't like taking advantage of people? I listen when other people speak? And this weird thing happens where I think about other peoples' feelings before I do things? That all screams, "good person." On top of that, there's these emotions that I get when other people are talking about things. Like, sometimes I feel happy when my friends tell me things that happened in their lives, having no impact on me. And sometimes I feel sad when bad things happen to other people. WHAT THE FUCK?!

I know what you're thinking. "Kalin, you just previously stated you were a bad person. How could one phone call turn you into a saint?" Well, children, listen up. There are awful people in the world. As cynical and mean as I may seem, as bitter and cutting, I care about other people, and I enjoy giving more than getting. No, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, and I'm sorry if this changes your opinion of me. I'm really confused, too.

Thank you for sticking with me in this transformational time. It will be difficult for all of us realizing that I'm not the complete asshole we all knew and loved. I'm going through a lot of emotional stress right now and would just appreciate your support.

Thank you so much,

K

PS: I am so sorry you had to find out via internet about this. I know that this news is like announcing a pregnancy or cancer. I just thought it was the most effective way to reach all of you at once. I apologize.

Things That Bother Me

First of all, I just wanted to say that I accidentally followed my own blog. So fuck you.

Anyway, I thought I would take an interesting twist on things and complain for once! Oh, wait...

So, anyway, here are some things that have been pissing me off lately:

1. Food

I fucking hate food. I hate it because I love it. What the fuck, dude? Who decided to make food taste good? I loathe all chefs and recipe makers. How dare you give me the desire to eat? Now I'm turning into a cow. Thanks, assholes.

Whoever the asshole is that
invented the deliciousness
that is Taco Bell, fuck you.

2. Easy classes

Yes, I would like the GPA boost. But I don't need it. I seriously don't need to take a class that has a required text which defines the words "goods," "services," and "ideas." I'm sorry, but if you're this stupid you shouldn't be in college. And I shouldn't be forced to waste my time on easy classes because stupid people need a major and classes tailored to them. If that offends you, then maybe you should stop being so stupid. Also, if you're one of those people who need to take easy classes to raise your GPA, then start studying in your real classes. Seriously, people shouldn't be allowed to raise their GPA this way. It's like cheating. I raise my GPA by being a fucking genius.

This textbook insults my intelligence.

3. Unnecessary apostrophes

This is not the first time I've vented about grammar in my blog. However, if I'm talking about things that piss me off, it is bound to surface. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PUT AN APOSTROPHE AFTER ABBREVIATIONS OR BEFORE ANY "S" ON A PLURAL WORD!!! APOSTROPHES ARE FOR CONTRACTIONS WITH IS AND TO SHOW POSSESSION!!! For example, saying, "I have a lot of DVD's," will make me respect you 25% less automatically.

Learn English.

4. Health freaks

I get it that you're so insecure about your lack of interesting and desirable personality traits that you have to advertise that you are the epitome of perfect health and you have the body of a god. Please save it, because I don't give a shit. I don't care how often you work out or what kind of dietary supplements you are taking.

5. Not being able to perform magic

In the words of genius DaxFlame (http://www.youtube.com/user/Daxflame), "Magic doesn't exist? Oh really? Then explain magic tricks you nimwit." So, clearly magic exists. WHY CAN I NOT PERFORM MAGIC TRICKS? Seriously, how else am I supposed to keep my things clean or stay awake during the day or keep myself in shape? There's no doubt that this needs to be investigated and we need to implement magic tricks ASAP. That, or I need someone to tell me where I can get a magical fairy that will clean up all my shit for me and do whatever I tell it to.

Be my slave, bitch.

...To be continued, I'm sure.

K

Life Lessons 12/23/09

I haven't posted in awhile. There are two reasons for this. This first one is that nobody reads my blog. The second reason is that I forgot I had a blog.

However, while reading my previous post I remembered that I am supposed to be doling out life lessons here. Now, there will be a lot more of these you can read in my book that should be finished sometime within the next six months, God willing. And I've gotten pretty far this time with the help of complete assholes and the motivation of my friends.

So, anyway, enough of that. Here is what you all haven't been waiting for, more life lessons from K-Peezy.

1. My intuition is always right (I don't know if yours is, so just go with mine for now.) Seriously, I can honestly say that I can read a situation down to the smallest details in most cases. By looking at a person I can tell what kind of person they are, and I'm not talking about stereotypes. It takes about five minutes of observation to develop a basic understanding of a person and about two hours to develop my opinion of them. First impressions with me are everything.

I will not go into specifics for fear of hurting certain peoples' feelings, but I learned this by recently attending a party. To be fair, I learned about this person ahead of time through some gossip from a couple different people. I had already formulated an opinion, but I was open to giving her a chance. One look told me she was an attention, and regular kind, of whore, and I predicted her exact actions for the rest of the night. That's skill.

So the life lesson here is trust your intuition, or at least trust mine.

2. My intuition is not always right, though it usually is. I have had enough life experience and interpersonal relationships in my day to understand the basic types, actions, and emotions of human beings. However, there are some types of humans (i.e. good, moral people) that I have not spent a lot of time with and don't understand. This was revealed to me today. The lesson being that there are some things you might like to be wrong about.

3. Don't rush into relationships, and don't try. There's no reason to go to a bar to pick up guys or to try to plot ways to get guys to like you. It will only result in failure. Treat the opposite sex as you would the same sex, and maybe some day you might meet someone who is genuine and a good person. You probably won't, but you can try.

4. Conspiracy theories are awesome. There, I said it. I love conspiracy theories.

5. DRUNK DIALING AND TEXTING IS VERY BAD. IT WILL MAKE YOU LOSE FRIENDS AND LOSE ALL HOPE YOU HAVE WITH ANY GUY. IT IS NORMAL FOR A GUY TO THINK YOU WANT A BOOTY CALL IF YOU TEXT HIM AT THREE AM. I don't care if you just want a ride or a place to crash or someone to talk to, DON'T DRUNK DIAL OR TEXT. If necessary, drunk dial or text your FRIENDS who are FEMALE (or male for males, or female for gay males, or males for gay females, and if you're bi, you're fucked.) Seriously guys. Drunk dialers are not desireable people. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON YOU WILL EVER LEARN, EVER!!!!!!

I hope you have learned well.

Until next time,

K

Things that Bother Me

Here is a draft I found while editing my entries. It's pretty great.

Hey everyone, time to vent! Here are some things that have been getting on my nerves lately:

People in general.

I'm serious, everyone has gone crazy. Is there anyone who isn't either psycho, a douche bag, or a complete dick these days? Anyone?

Here are my suggestions on how to keep yourself from coming off like a total tool:

1. Stop talking about yourself. When someone says something to you, don't act like you're trying to relate by telling a bigger and more outrageous story. It makes you look like a fag. Stop trying to over compensate for your own insecurities by one-upping every story. And here's a hint, guy, or girl, no one cares about you. People care about themselves. The only reason people care about you is because of the things you do for them. Go ahead and share your stories, but don't overload us with facts about your life. People don't like it and nothing you do or say is more important than anything anyone else does or says. So stop talking about yourself.

2. Stop interrupting. Maybe we'll answer your question if you just let us get to it, asshole. People aren't going to like you very much if they can't even finish a thought around you. What better way of saying, "Nothing you say matters," than preventing the words from happening?

3. Stop being a whore. If one more girl turns a perfectly good guy into a dick because of her selfish actions, I'm going to punch someone in the throat. STOP IT.

4. Learn English. I'm tired of these blatant errors in basic grammar. For more information, see a book. Any book.

Thank you for making the world a better place by doing these things,

K