I'm a GOOD PERSON?! FUCK.

Just to let you know, I am so excited to write this blog! I had to take a nap before I did it to make sure I wasn't sleepy. I've been thinking about how I was going to tackle this issue via internet literature, and I think I found the answer.

I have never been the epitome of innocence, the poster child for Christianity, the authority on morals. Furthermore, I had myself convinced that based on some previous actions I was a horrible person. I had myself all figured out. Kalin: Genius, hard working, creative, hilarious, beautiful, cynical, bitter, and a complete dick. Life is good once you have yourself figured out, you go through life with your head held up high, you're not going through these awful phases with the hopes of self discovery anymore. Ah, being a self righteous, awful person really had its perks.

Then yesterday I wake up at 3 PM after staying up until 5 AM drinking alone (got home from my friends' house at 2 AM.) Fairly normal. Roll out of bed, eat a shit ton of Skyline that my dad got for me, plop myself on the couch and start watching YouTube videos. Ahhh, I love being me. Then my phone rings, and I hear the MOST AWFUL STORY EVER. Literally. I'll tell you sometime, you'll want to vomit. Upon my enragement, I hung up the phone and realized something.

I am a good person.

I should have known all along. I should have known. I feel sick to my stomach that I just couldn't see it. I mean, I have this strange desire to only sleep with guys I have feelings for? I don't like taking advantage of people? I listen when other people speak? And this weird thing happens where I think about other peoples' feelings before I do things? That all screams, "good person." On top of that, there's these emotions that I get when other people are talking about things. Like, sometimes I feel happy when my friends tell me things that happened in their lives, having no impact on me. And sometimes I feel sad when bad things happen to other people. WHAT THE FUCK?!

I know what you're thinking. "Kalin, you just previously stated you were a bad person. How could one phone call turn you into a saint?" Well, children, listen up. There are awful people in the world. As cynical and mean as I may seem, as bitter and cutting, I care about other people, and I enjoy giving more than getting. No, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, and I'm sorry if this changes your opinion of me. I'm really confused, too.

Thank you for sticking with me in this transformational time. It will be difficult for all of us realizing that I'm not the complete asshole we all knew and loved. I'm going through a lot of emotional stress right now and would just appreciate your support.

Thank you so much,

K

PS: I am so sorry you had to find out via internet about this. I know that this news is like announcing a pregnancy or cancer. I just thought it was the most effective way to reach all of you at once. I apologize.

Things That Bother Me

First of all, I just wanted to say that I accidentally followed my own blog. So fuck you.

Anyway, I thought I would take an interesting twist on things and complain for once! Oh, wait...

So, anyway, here are some things that have been pissing me off lately:

1. Food

I fucking hate food. I hate it because I love it. What the fuck, dude? Who decided to make food taste good? I loathe all chefs and recipe makers. How dare you give me the desire to eat? Now I'm turning into a cow. Thanks, assholes.

Whoever the asshole is that
invented the deliciousness
that is Taco Bell, fuck you.

2. Easy classes

Yes, I would like the GPA boost. But I don't need it. I seriously don't need to take a class that has a required text which defines the words "goods," "services," and "ideas." I'm sorry, but if you're this stupid you shouldn't be in college. And I shouldn't be forced to waste my time on easy classes because stupid people need a major and classes tailored to them. If that offends you, then maybe you should stop being so stupid. Also, if you're one of those people who need to take easy classes to raise your GPA, then start studying in your real classes. Seriously, people shouldn't be allowed to raise their GPA this way. It's like cheating. I raise my GPA by being a fucking genius.

This textbook insults my intelligence.

3. Unnecessary apostrophes

This is not the first time I've vented about grammar in my blog. However, if I'm talking about things that piss me off, it is bound to surface. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PUT AN APOSTROPHE AFTER ABBREVIATIONS OR BEFORE ANY "S" ON A PLURAL WORD!!! APOSTROPHES ARE FOR CONTRACTIONS WITH IS AND TO SHOW POSSESSION!!! For example, saying, "I have a lot of DVD's," will make me respect you 25% less automatically.

Learn English.

4. Health freaks

I get it that you're so insecure about your lack of interesting and desirable personality traits that you have to advertise that you are the epitome of perfect health and you have the body of a god. Please save it, because I don't give a shit. I don't care how often you work out or what kind of dietary supplements you are taking.

5. Not being able to perform magic

In the words of genius DaxFlame (http://www.youtube.com/user/Daxflame), "Magic doesn't exist? Oh really? Then explain magic tricks you nimwit." So, clearly magic exists. WHY CAN I NOT PERFORM MAGIC TRICKS? Seriously, how else am I supposed to keep my things clean or stay awake during the day or keep myself in shape? There's no doubt that this needs to be investigated and we need to implement magic tricks ASAP. That, or I need someone to tell me where I can get a magical fairy that will clean up all my shit for me and do whatever I tell it to.

Be my slave, bitch.

...To be continued, I'm sure.

K