I'd Promise I'm not Creepy, but I am.

So I feel like I have a lot to cover, so let's get started. Yes, sticking with the lists again. I fucking love lists.

1. Whoever says alcohol is bad is fucking retarded. Alcohol tastes good. Alcohol makes you feel good. And some of the best, most sincere, deepest, most life-altering, most fun, greatest moments of my life have been under the influence of alcohol. Yeah, there's side effects. Like drunk dialing and hangovers and fiscal irresponsibility. But, really, I think it's all worth it. No, I'm not condoning getting drunk every night. But I am saying that drinking with your friends can induce great times. I have met some of my best friends out drinking.

For example, while all of the non-drinkers are telling their grand children about the crazy time they had playing board games one night and their best friend laughed so hard about fucking shit up with Monopoly that milk shot out of her nose, I'll be telling the story about how my friend was so drunk after fucking shit up with a boy that she ended up peeing in an alley being pulled over by the cops for walking home drunk.

Alcohol is a great social lubricant. Half of the contacts in my phone are from bar nights, and I still use most of them. Yes, most of the time when you meet a guy out drinking, he's a tool. But... other times...

ANYWAY.

2. Apparently I'm really great. I go out after not having showered in a good day or two, in my work clothes, without makeup and while wearing glasses... Pick up two guys at the bar? Really? One asks my friend, "Is she really this cool or just a bitch?" Some other guy tells me I'm the "smartest girl he knows." Another guy tries to take me home. Either gross and ugly is in, I'm super great, or guys are really just that desperate. (Granted, I am probably the smartest girl you'll ever meet. That's true. And I am pretty damn cool.)

I have never met someone who is so self loving and so self loathing as myself.

3. I am fucking emotional. There, I said it and I admit it. I'd rather care too much about other people and too much about every little fucking thing than be the equivalent of emotionally dumb and blind. So I welcome it when I feel sad, because that's how I know I'm real. How else do you feel alive than by experience extreme emotion? Happiness, sadness, anger, fear? That's why thirteen year old emo kids cut themselves. That's why people eat Mexican food.

4. There ARE good people in the world. There are BAD people in the world. Realizing the difference doesn't mean a thing: Treating everyone as if they were the best person you ever met is key.

5. Give more than you'll ever take. Unless the person is a douche bag, then shove them in front of you and let the zombies take their life.

6. Something involving Taco Bell.

7. Something involving grammar.

8. My cat is the best, ever. She has the most desirable traits any female (or person, at all) could. She's beautiful. She's curvaceous. She follows me around, meaning she respects me and realizes how awesome I am. She doesn't trust men, meaning she learns easily. She has only been on this earth a little over a year and a half and through watching my experiences already realizes they're bad news! She hates all people except me, and only loves me. That means she realizes that I'm the only great person left alive.


K


PS: If you don't get that I'm writing in a satirical and humorous manner, then you, sir, are an idiot.